Matt, Fresh out of Jail

In 2009, my younger brother was 17. And that meant one thing: you couldn't tell him SHIT about life, unless of course you were one of his friends.

Him and his homies went out of town to a party with some guys they didn't really know.

On their way back in, the driver stopped for gas.

The story changes, depending on who tells it, but the resulting thing is:

Everything went to hell when that driver decided to rob the joint.

My brother is in the backseat sleep when it all happened. But because he was the only one in the car (and the fact that the engine was still on) the police considered him the get-away driver.

Fast-Forward to the Court Dates.

All the guys involved had to do time in jail.


Everybody in question started pointing fingers at my brother and since it was their word against his, My brother was facing 3 years in the county jail for something he had no control over.

If it wasn't for Matt, my brother would JUST be getting out of jail.

Matt was the only one in their with enough honor to pretty much take the blame for him.

See, we've known Matt since we were kids. And Matt knew in his heart that my brother was not "Jail Material".

In what I believe was an act of Loyalty: Matt sacrificed himself instead of my brother.

For that, I will always have MAD respect for him.

My brother always went up to visit/put money on Matt's book in jail. He did all that to prove how grateful he is for Matt and that he's not in this thing alone).

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Matt has been out of jail for around 2 week now and we decided to throw him a Welcome Home party.

It was HELLA fun...

But I noticed something was kinda... off, about him...

I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time, but something was up...

You know when somebody gives you that "I wanna fuck" look on their face?
I could've SWORN that's what he was giving me. All night.
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Whenever Matt comes over while I'm here, he makes sure to come up and say hello. Even if I'm locked away in my room.


Earlier today, I was over at my granny's house, chilling.

I heard Matt and my brother coming in but I thought nothing of it.

After about an hour, I forgot they were even there.

I walk to the kitchen to go get some Pizza Rolls and I see Matt is sleep on the couch. My brother had left.

So it was just Matt and I there...

I tried to avoid the inevitable awkwardness it would be so I pretty much tip-toed around the kitchen so I wouldn't wake him up.

Finally getting back to my room, I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

Matt: (knock knock), hey [Cogito] where did Ralph go? 

Me: uh... Idk I think he might be taking Amber (his girlfriend) to work or something... 

Matt: Oh... Can I come in? 

Me: (goes up and cracks the door to look at him). 

Matt: You look like you need some company in there. 

(when he said that, the light-bulb over my head started shining, I wasn't expecting Matt to be into me, let alone make the first move. )

Me: if by "company" you mean alone-time then yes, I DO need company. 

Matt: LMAO! Hell naw!... you sure? 

Me: Yeah... maybe some other time... (as I give him that "Not Even in Your Dreams" look)

Matt: (he bows out graciously, showing no sign of attitude for me turning him down).

And that was that.
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I don't want to read too deep into what Matt's motives were, or if he even had any.

He COULD have really just wanted to kick it.

But then again... he COULD have just wanted to lick it.
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Either way, it wouldn't feel right to sleep with a childhood friend like Matt.

I don't know..

Am I trying to make it deeper than it really is?

Let me know, ya'll. A nigga is confused on this one...
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Tears of Joy-- Faith Evans

The Real Thing-- Gwen Stefani

The Prototype

The Power of Love -- Celine Dion (sp?)
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Enjoy the pics!

-_Cogito

Wild Horses Run Unbridled

In 1997, I was only 7 years old wheen the song Butterfly by Mariah Carey, came out.

Now, at the age of 22: I finally understand the lyrics.

My favorite part is when she says:

"Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies".

SO true.

Horses are not born with bridles on their back. Somebody put it there, to TAME that horse. To only allow that horse to run if it's in being steered in the Equestrian's direction.

I'll be a monkey's uncle if that doesn't describe how I've been feeling lately.


It's crazy how you can love someone so much, you kinda lose yourself in them.

I used to think it as cliche' to use the phrase "lost in love". But now I get it.

Whether that love be good or bad, healthy or venomous, sweet or bitter, it is Love, nonetheless. And Love, as history proves, makes me do some STUPID fucking things.

It's been a solid 2 months since Rob and I split. It was a mutual thing. As mutual as two people in love can be, I guess...

I've harped and I've harped about our dysfunction before, so I'll spare the details.

Just know that it's time for me to get back to me.

Back to Blogging.
Back to writing.
Back to Poetry Slamming.
Back on the Dean's List.
Hell, back to being happy.

This is just my theory, but: when two Men date each other, their Alpha-Egos can easily clash and cause conflict. They both have different levels of what they consider to be disrespect and are much more sensitive to those levels when they think it is coming from the other. Granted, this doesn't happen to every relationship; this is just self-destructive behavior I've witnessed firsthand.

I guess that's why it's so hard for me to let people "in'.

I can count on one hand the number of people in this world who truly, absolutely KNOW ME.

And sometimes, even THEY get shut out.

I don't always mean to do it. But it happens.

Add that to the list of shit I need to work on.

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Mariah also says in the song

"You have given me the courage to be all that I can".

SO damn true.

In my thinking, I'm like: "Okay, I can do A, B, and C because, even if I fail, even if I look like a DAMN fool, as long as I have my bae and my friends, I'm good".

And I guess, in the end, that's what matters the most from a break-up, right?

Not what CAUSED it. But what you learn FROM it.

I don't want this relationship to be the one that I base all of my future ones on. I don't want the pain of this one to turn me bitter.

So I won't let it.

Nope.

Instead, I'm gonna do some praying, a lil soul searching, follow Immanuel's 10-step Guide for Getting Over Your Dude, and I'll be okay.

May not be today, but someday soon, I'll be good.

Even if it hits me all over again and I have to go to the Breakup songs on my phone.
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And by the way, just for the record: Rob's ass isn't taking this break up well either...

But that's another post. One I may never write.

For now, just enjoy the pics. I know it's a lot of sausage in this post. Forgive me. I'm going through withdraw over here! *_^
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Happy Black History Month! (is it weird that I think Malcolm X is kinda... hot?)

Seriously. The only dude hotter than El-Hajj Malik El Shabazz is when Denzel Washington played him in the movie "X".

Don't judge me. o_0

-_Cogito

Capricornaries@hotmail.com

Do you believe your own lies?

DMX asked a highly underrated question: WHAT DEZE' BITCHES WANT FROM A NIGGA???

Ghee whiz.

When I was a young, naive 14 year old, my cousin and I were practically joined at the hip. She's 4 years older than me so I felt real cool hanging with a high school kid. Somewhere around 16, I started to notice how much of a fucking psycho she is.

She'd do stuff like

Take a shower, get dressed, tells me to do the same b/c we're about to go somewhere. I follow her orders and it turns out, the only "somewhere" we went was her front porch.

-_-

Or other stuff like:

Spend all of her money and complain about being broke.

Claiming she was pregnant like, every 4 months or so

stupid stuff like that.

Now that I'm older, I look back and wonder who was crazier? Her for all the outlandish lies, or Me for believing in her like I did.

Either way, a few nights ago, I realized just how much of a fucking lunatic she is.


There I was, minding my own business, playing Skyrim V and listening to Pandora.

When suddenly, a phone call.

She's in another crisis and needs my help.

She tells me that she took out a student loan and her boyfriend stole it from her.

(This seems realistic, right?)

I was following her story right up until she told me how much the loan was for.

According to her (and I quote this Verbatim):

"Well... the loan was for $20,000. I had gave $5,000 to his uncle to build me a house and everything was constructed but the garage. I went to withdrawal some more money to pay him, and they told me my boyfriend came in earlier that day and closed the account out".


I thought I misheard her so I was like

"wait, you mean you OWE $20,000 in student loans?"

Her: "No that's how much my loan was for".

Me: "...okay hold up, let me call you right back. Stay by the phone"...

(I never called her back).

I actually had a big bad attitude towards her because I'm like damn, does she really think I'm that fucking stupid, or does she just believe in her own lies THAT much?

*sighs*

And that's been the story of my new year thus far.

am I wrong for feeling the way I do? I love my cousin to death, Lord knows I do. But I just can't deal with that stupid ish anymore. She still does the same stuff we did when we were teenagers...

-_Cogito
Capricornaries@hotmail.com
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