Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Ok Cupid, I Give Up!

Ryan and I met on OKCupid and had a virtual "talking" relationship, with the promise of one day meeting up in person. He moved into my city 2 years ago and still hadn't met any new friends or whatever.

From the very first inbox message, we just clicked. We held maaaaad conversations about nothing and everything. The more we talked, the more similarities and life experiences we turned out to have.

We weren't in love or anything, but in those short months, we truly had become good friends.

I'd be a damn liar if I said I wasn't catching feelings for him, b/c I was. And so was he. But whenever the discussion of there being any kind of "us", he would just...shut down.

The last time we texted (or, rather, the last time he texted  me back) was around New Years Eve 2014. After that, nothing but radio silence on his end.

No calls. No texts. No inbox. Nothing. The last time he logged onto his OkCupid account was on the same day that he stopped talking to me, so I figured it must be something with his phone.

"Oh, maybe he dropped his phone in the dishwater or something. Soon as he gets a new phone, he'll hit me up for sure..."

You know, the kinda lil' lies you tell yourself to keep your heart from fucking shattering.

Earlier last night, after two inactive months online, he finally logged into his OKC. Not only that, but it also showed that he was one of my recent visitors to my profile. This means that he saw the random sad emoticon I put in his inbox a few weeks ago.

This means that he DOES remember I exist, but just doesn't give a fuck. OH, the pain! When I realized that he, for whatever reason, doesn't fuck with me anymore, I just...bawled.

Despite my pride, despite my attempt at not crawling into his inbox, despite my efforts not to grovel at his feet, I found myself right there, void of dignity.

I put in his inbox "Hey Ryan, its Nay. I'm not sure why we lost touch but if you ever want to reconnect, you have my number. I'll be deleting my account soon, so...".

Yes, it hurts like a muhfucka. But at this point, me navigating life in my twenties has taught me how to let people go that don't want to be kept. It's fucked up that I'm losing a friend, but...I just...can't.

The ball is in his court now. If he does decide to hit me up, then that will be one "great getting up morning", as the old saints used to say. But if not, that's cool too. I'll be here regardless, like the fool I am.

UGH! Why TF are your Twenties so damn hard?
Ok Cupid, I give up. Stay the FUCK from round me!
Music, you say?
Gone and Never Coming Back -- Melanie Fiona
Enjoy the pics, ya'll. I'm just soooo not in the mood for anything sexual. Imagine that! lol
-_Cogito Excuse any typos. My tough ass was crying while typing this. Smh.