Friday, May 23, 2014

In Memoriam

Tasha was the first person in my life that I came out to, and the first best friend I ever had.

I was in 10th grade. She was in 11th. We met in an African American History class at school together.

She's always had her demons.
Adopted at age 4 when the State took custody away from her drug-abusing mother and alleged child-molester father. Add that to a bad case of sexual-identity crisis, and BAM.

That's Tasha.

As we entered adulthood, I had to move back up north but of course we kept in touch and would kick it whenever I visited Louisville... We've had conversations about our fears of growing apart, so we promised each other not to EVER let it happen.

But, no cigar...

I haven't physically "seen" Tasha since...2010, the last time I was in town. Since then, we've done the usual occasional phone call, text messaging, inbox messages, etc. But something kinda started feeling...different.

In 2013, I went to Louisville, after a 3 year absence, and naturally, made plans to meet up.

However, when I got there, she didn't answer her phone, reply to my texts, wouldn't Facebook me back...nothing...but silence.

The confusion of her non-existence hurt my heart something fierce. I promised myself that the next time we spoke, it would be because SHE reached out to me.

In the course of that time, I'd gone through some TOUGH shit and, though I had great friends to support me through it, I needed HER. Just like she always needed me...

One day, out of the blue, in late March 2014, I suddenly get an inbox from her on Facebook talking about how she owes me an apology, and regardless of how I feel towards her, I'll always be the best friend she ever had, and blah blah blah.

We exchanged new phone numbers, reconnected, and although she never did tell me why the fuck she fell off the face of the earth, I was just happy to have my friend back and at least we were talking again...

I was recently in  Louisville about two weeks ago and as usual, was supposed to meet up with Tasha.

Wouldn't you know it? She pulled the same shit again.

She wouldn't respond to me at all, but I saw her constantly posting shit on facebook so it's not like she was being held hostage somewhere. She was posting selfies and doing #WCW, and liking statuses...

On my drive back up North, I had to stop at some random gas station on I-94N because, reflecting over all of this, I started getting teary-eyed.

By the time I made it to the bathroom, the tears were rolling...

I now realize that I was...grieving.
I was literally mourning the death of our friendship.

In all honesty, I'd rather she just not inboxed me at all and just remained wherever the fuck she was.

It's one thing to simply cut someone.
It's another thing to reopen the wound and put salt in it.

After Rob, I don't think I can survive another one-sided relationship of any kind.

It's hurting right now, like a mufucka, but I gotta let her go...
I'll always love her for who she is, but the Tasha I once knew is...gone.

I can't keep on loving her with one foot outside the door...
Music, you say? These three songs PERFECTLY sum up my feelings...

Please Don't Call This Love --MNEK

Ready for your Love -- MNEK

Every Little Word --MNEK
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  1. God brought you together for a season and a reason and that season and reason have passed. Remember the good times and don't take it personally. Friends are not always met to last forever. Now go out there and make new ones! Immanuel at

  2. So sorry to hear about this. It was all too familiar to me, having been through similar experiences around your age and seemingly throughout my 20s. Remember that you are still very young and evolving, and the same is happening to your friends. Some of their actions will seem bizarre, and you may never get any explanations, but please believe they don't mean to hurt you. Avoiding whatever it is that needs to be said (and trust me, there is SOMETHING that needs to be said) hurts worse than if she just hit it head on, but your friend may not be mature enough to know that.

    This happened to me several times, but I will share two in particular. One high school friend stopped communicating with me when she got married. Even though I was and am gay, I wasn't out, and perhaps she thought it best to not have a male calling her house. We reconnected many years later.

    Two other friends I had known since high school (they did not know each other) both kind of went AWOL on me for religious reasons. Neither said so directly, but each made it plain in her own way. One called one day and told me that she'd recently read Invisible Life by E. Lynn Harris (telling my age?) and found is disgusting. My reaction, whatever it was, was certainly not supportive.

    The other stopped communicating with me, but I ended up some years later being invited to a surprise party for her b/c my number was still in her phone book. I showed up and was surprised to hear her joke, at one point during the party, about "homosexuality and other deviant lifestyles." Considering that some years later, her senior pastor would become embroiled in a major scandal involving young male members of the church, her statement was ironic. At least, however, I knew why our friendship ended, and perhaps it was in retrospect a good thing. I had never had really come out to her, so there was no way for her to really air the issue out with me. All she could do was walk away.

    Your situation is a little different, b/c your friend knows you're gay. Something is going on with her that she doesn't know confront with you, and it could be a lot of things -- religion, drug addiction, legal issues, etc. But please believe it's all about HER and not you. It's very possible, and even probable, that she senses your growth and does not perceive herself as having grown too. But like I said, this is not about you, but about her. When it hurts, just remember this.