Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Coming Out... (?)

(DAMN that dude in the first pic is fine as hell!) 


In a perfect world, I could be an openly gay (black) minister. 

I really don't see why it's SUCH a big fucking deal, but... 

I was just kickin' it over at my boy's house, all cuddled up and watching his favorite show Law and Order. 
I wasn't really paying attention because my mind was going 110mph... 

I'm really, really, REALLY feeling Rob. I haven't felt this way about a nigga in a long time.
I know we've got something strong because its been tested and we're still together. 

And when you're in love, you want to yell it on the rooftops. 

You wanna tell the clerk at Wal-Mart
You wanna tell the guy who rings up your McNuggets at the counter... 
You wanna tell the damn Mailman... 

You wanna tell EVERYONE when you're in love! 

Especially those closest to you. 

The other day, my younger brother came to me for some love advice. And half way through it, he asked if I'd ever been in love. I got all choked up because I wanted to tell him YES NIGGA! i'M IN LOVE RIGHT NOW WITH THIS GREAT GUY AND WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER. 

But instead, I punked-out and directed the conversation back on him. 

I'm tired of having to lie about it. 

The only thing I need to ask myself is this: 

Do I love Rob more than I love my title (as a minister)? 

Because coming out means pretty much losing all ties with the people that I love (in church). Not only that, but I'd be the talk of the tri-state area. 

(Mind you, I've had more guys flirt with me in church than I'd EVER had in the middle of gay bars)

It's SUCH a fucked up situation. 

I know my family would be all right with it though.

And Rob's not pressuring me about it, being DL himself, but it does get kinda frustrating when we're pretty much tangled up with each other at home, but have to damn near sneak and hold hands at the movie theater. 

*sighs* 

How could something that feels so right, be so... wrong? 

Whatever. My Pizza Rolls are done so... enjoy the pics yall and help a nigga w/ some advice... 

Capricornaries@hotmail.com

-_Cogito









































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7 comments:

  1. FlowersMay 30, 2012 at 7:40 PM

    If it doesn't feel "wrong" to you, then it is not wrong.

    I think the bigger question is why people feel they need permission to live their lives as they see fit.

    You think these people don't harbor suspicions about you and speak behind your back? They do.

    F them. Be the wonderful person that you are.

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  2. ImmanuelJune 1, 2012 at 6:17 PM

    Man, what a deep post. In a perfect world you could just be yourself and be open about who you love.

    But this world isn't perfect so like Flowers I would advise you to live your life. I can count on two hands the number of gay (black)ministers/deacons/elders I know who live closeted lives.

    They are miserable.

    Life is too short to be miserable Cogito. Be happy. Be yourself.

    Take care

    Immanuel
    www.dlconfessionssequel.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownJune 7, 2012 at 10:51 AM

    One day you won't be able to hold yourself back from telling your little bro about your love.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousJune 10, 2012 at 5:33 AM

    I say do you, its your life. My more pressing question is, if you are calling and professing yourself to be a minister, why is your post riddled with profanity and racial slurs?? I know its common speech amongst the community, but I would hope that you hold yourself (and your 'calling') to a higher standard. Or maybe you should be asking yourself that since you feel so deeply and troubled about living a lie, is sexuality the ONLY area you're reconsidering?? Sounds like you have MORE to reexamine, not sure if your heart is still in ministry.

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  5. TreyJune 10, 2012 at 7:35 PM

    You just put into words what I've been feeling. I'll give you the same advice I gave my damn self: When/If it is the right time, you will know and the last thing on your mind would be someone else's approval.

    With that being said, only make that next step if you are truly ready for the inevitable bullshit you'll have to face from random ass people that don't even matter!

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    Replies
    1. FlowersJune 11, 2012 at 7:23 PM

      Werd. I get you Trey, and you know there's beigger cheerleader for coming out than me. But that being said, Why do you care about what anybody but you thinks about yourself? Especially random ass people who it sounds like you're not that fond of anyway. I was 26 when I came out. Older than both you two, for sure, and hella older than that now. I was a pussy about it, long after most people already knew I hadn't had a girlfriend in 6 years. Nobody gave a fuck that I was gay. The people that loved me still loved. The people that didn't still didn't :D All in good time, and it's a big step, but it's a hell of a lot of weight off of your shoulders and soul once you take it.

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  6. CogitoEroSumJune 11, 2012 at 9:29 PM

    @ Flowers and Immanuel -- Wise words indeed. Self-Happiness is an indulgence we often deny ourselves. And for what? To please OTHERS... smh.

    @Gayte-- yeah man, one of these days... We would be so much closer if I were able to open up more.

    @Anonymous-- the easiest way for me to answer that is: what happens on Blogger STAYS on Blogger. I exercise my Writer's License to speak to my audience in an established vernacular. My heart is totally still in ministry, always will be, and there's where things get hairy. I'm a closeted black minister with a super-secret blog dedicated to everything about the black male appendage. But hey, I sleep at night, so... -_-

    @Trey-- and we KNOW there's gonna be a hailstorm of bullshit on the horizon! All those "I knew it" comments and the "I always kinda thought..." crap. Smh. Can't a nigga just be happy?

    @Flowers (again)-- I actually kinda hear that a lot from people who took that brave step outta the closet...

    I guess closets really are for clothes.
    Fabulous, fabulous clothes.

    -_Cogito

    ReplyDelete

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