Monday, May 14, 2012

I Used To Be A Bully

When I first started this blog, it originally began as a place where I just shared my love of porn.
But over the years, it has evolved into somewhat of a journal. With that being said: I do apologize if it seems I've strayed from the original direction of my blog. But it's cathartic for me to write about my life. Thank you all for the emails, comments, networking, etc.

So for today's post, I want to let you all in a little secret:


Back in first grade, there was this boy in my class named Mario.

Mario used to pee on himself all the time and, like kids will do, we ostracized and picked on him to the Nth degree.

And I was the ring-leader of the abuse.

I used to say some mean, nasty, hateful things to him.

All these years later, I can still see his face. I can still smell the odor from his clothes. I still see him running out of the classroom crying.

And to know that I was the cause of all of that-- it pretty much haunts me on a regular basis.

Mind you, 1st grade was the last place I saw him.

I try to search for him online sometimes but I don't know his last name.

I even called our old elementary school to see if they had a yearbook or something with my class-roster in it. But to no avail. None of my old classmates have seen him since either.

What hurts me the most is how I'll NEVER get a chance to apologize for being a bully to him.

All I remember of him is how much I tormented him, and that's all the memory I'll ever be to him as well.

Having been bullied for being gay (not to an extreme extent), I now know how Mario must have felt.

God. I get teary-eyed every time I think of it.

I wonder how his life has turned out. I wonder if he even remembers me, ya know?

I guess as an adolescent, I was so distracted with hormones and life, that I kinda just shrugged my shoulders at Mario's memory.

But now that I'm older (and seemingly wiser), I look back and don't even recognize that person I used to be.  It scares me to know I have the ability to be so ugly towards someone.

I googled the topic a bit and some say it's better to write letters to people and then either keep them or rip them up, so...

Mario: I want you to know that I'm a better person these days. I know we were "just kids" and all but I knew JUST what I was doing. I clearly remember my DELIBERATE intentions and I had no right to treat you like that. Even if you DO forgive me, I'll never forget you. I'm truly, absolutely sorry, Mario.

Wherever you are...


1 comment:

  1. Interesting how somethings in life will never get solve.