Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Broken Hallelujah

Sometimes, I think of myself as Job in the Old Testament.

Not in the fact that God and Lucifer had a wager on my faith; not in how Job lost everything including his health.

I mean I feel like Job in the sense that sometimes, all I need is a friend.

When Job's friends came to visit/console him, there was no dialogue exchanged.

In Job 2:11-13 his friends did not come to give him advice. They did not come to judge him. They never spoke a single word.

Their friendly presence was all Job needed. What a humbling necessity. What a way to remind us of what's most important...
As ya'll know, things have been kind of rocky with Rob and I lately. I think we're so much alike, it drives us crazy to try and control each other. And then, when things ARE going right, I know it's inevitable that we'll be at each other's throats before sundown.

This damn closet I'm in is getting stuffy. I need to come out already. But I'd have to kiss my Minister's License goodbye.

On top of that, I'm HELLA pissed at my dad these days. I realize he has his own family to take care of, but that bastard could call me more often. Whenever we speak, it's because I have to call HIM. I have to travel and see HIM. Reciprocity is a mufucka sometimes... -_- I think what hurts the most is how he can go months without talking to me, and be fine with it. I love my siblings to death. But they've had their entire lives with our father. What do I have? A few memories from summer vacations.
With these, and many more things weighing me down, my mind was racing at 110mph and I was getting overwhelmed with emotion.

When suddenly, a knock on the door.

It was Maliika. The same girl from my PreDickament a long time back.

She had an hour and a half to kill before going back to work so she grabbed some Panera and surprised me with a delicious Turkey n Bacon Bravo.

I don't know if it was God, our just our synergy--but through my laughing/smiling, I know that I was transparent--and broken.

(mind you, I wasn't on Suicide Watch or nothing like that. It just moved me emotionally when I realized I'm not in this alone).

After some small talk and a few more bites, we just sat there. Watching old Martin re-runs. Chilling.

And the though dawned on me: she usually likes to pry in my business. She usually likes to give me advice, whether I ask for it or not.

But for some reason that I don't understand quite yet--she somehow knew what I was feeling.

So instead of being all intrusive, she instead gave me the silent presence of her friendship.

Eventually, she had to go back to work so I walked her to the door and as she's walking out, she turns around and gives me a hug.

"Text me later on" I said.
"Will do" she said.

She'll never know how much I needed that hug right then. I've had a "frog in my throat" ever since.

I'm getting teary-eyed all over again. But sometimes, it feels good to cry b/c all those emotions get flushed out.

So this post is dedicated to that friend of yours.

The one who knows how to talk you off of that ledge.

This is for all the "Maliika's" out there.
(here's some songs on my que right now)

Hallelujah -- Alexandra Burke (the Leonard Cohen lyric version) "I've seen your flag on the marble arch. But Love is not a victory march. It's a cold, and it's a broken Hallelujah".

My Immortal -- Evanescence  -- one of my favorite songs. Ever. Hands down.

1+1 -- Beyonce -- that "make love to meeee, when my days look low" always gets me.

Never See Me Again -- Alicia Keys -- I swear to goodness, the first verse of this song makes me SOB.

Wonderful Wonderful -- Johnny Mathis -- kind of upbeat for a "sad song", but the lyrics are awesom.

Good To See You Again -- Scott Alan -- (sighs). Just listen to this. :(



  1. Sorry you are down young man. I feel as though we are "friends" though we have never met. You should come out. Fuck it! Turn your preaching license in and live your damn life. You'll always help and inspire others. If that church don't want you in their house, another one would be happy and lucky to have someone as caring and genuine as you.

  2. Sooner or later a choice has to be made.

  3. I think he has made his choice, and I admire him for that. Beautiful post and blog Cogito.

  4. aaawwww thanks yall (I know I'm late)