Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Masturbation (For Dummies)

Not only is masturbation the ONLY way to bust a nut these days without ANY risk of an STD, it can also save you a world of trouble. The only place where you can absolutely, positively express your sexual desires is in your MIND, it’s the most private thing you will ever have in life. So keep all those dirty, filthy, raunchy, XXX thoughts locked away in a vault, somewhere in the back of your mind. When you get ready to go to the vault and make a withdrawal, here are 6 step-by-step “How To” instructions that I follow when I’m ready to beat my dick like it owes me money…

(Disclaimer: tonight’s post is kinda long, but it’s because of the content of the post. You’ll see why).

Step 1. Get into your element:
Maybe you’re into Bathroom Stalls and public places, maybe you’re the type that gets a rush out of the risk of being caught, you kinky bastard you! Perhaps you like to masturbate with others in circle jerks, bro-jobs, etc. If you’re like me, the good old fashioned “wait ‘til mom goes to the grocery store” kind of guy who needs solitude. Whatever the case may be, if you’re not absolutely comfortable on where it is you’re jacking off, it can greatly hinder the entire experience.

Step 2. To Lube or not to Lube:
Personally, I don’t prefer lube. I need to grip my dick, I need to feel the veins throbbing in my hand. With Lube, not only can things get messy rather quickly, it’s hella hard to grip your dick. At least for me it is. On the contrary: those who use Lube can work their shafts/dick heads without scuffing it. When your palms are dry, it’s straight murder on your dick head. But some warm lube and elbow grease, and you’re ready to punch out some knuckle-babies. I want to buy a fleshlight, but I've never gotten around to shopping for one. They look like they mean some serious business, I wanna see what all the hubbub is about. 

Step 3. What’s your fantasy? Be creative:
Now that you’re in your element and have decided between Vaseline, KY, or just going dry—things get real interesting. The powerful thing about the mind is that you can simply THINK a thought, and your body physically reacts to it. You think you’re about to trip, and your heart skips a beat. You think it’s hot in the room, so you start sweating. Same thing goes on with the Dick. I encourage you to dig into your imagination, paying as much attention as possible to detail. Feel their skin touching yours. Feel them breathing down your neck. Imagine how they taste. If only you could put your face in their neck and smell them… take control of them, let them have their way with you… As long as the fantasy is absolutely true to your tastes and your fetishes, your dick will thank you.

I prefer porn movies but sometimes, my mind can make scenes much hotter than any cheesy porno flick. If I started daydreaming in the middle of a porn flick, then I know it's not holding my interest... It's good to have a few pics at your disposal. If your internet is down and you're stuck in the Stone Age, at least you have a few hot pics to get you through. 

4. Edge. Edge. Edge. Edge. Did I mention, Edge???
Masturbation is somewhat of a sport to me, it’d be a shame for the game to be done and over with by the first quarter. When you get to the veeerrryyyy edge of an orgasm, I mean, so close that precum is all on your stomach and fingers—that’s when you let go of your dick. Don’t touch it, or it’ll spit all over your hand! At that point, your dick should be on all cylinders, as sensitive as an exposed tooth-nerve. Especially the nipples. If your dick is hard, than your nipples are too. While you’re waiting for your woody to go down, do a bit of nipple play, it will still keep you “in the game”, just not on rebound. You’re welcome to bust your nut whenever you want, but the longer you hold out, the larger the cumshot, and the better the feeling. Granted, sometimes you just need a “quicky”, but when you want to be intimate with yourself, edging is essential for any seasoned masturbator to do.

5. Tissue, Stomach, Swallow, what to do with the nut??
Some grab a dirty sock from the laundry room; some prefer to let the nut dry on their boxers and body (no, really!), some like the taste of their own cum. To each, his own.  However it is cleaned up, is not as important in the fact that it IS cleaned up. Honestly, you’re a grown ass man, wash those damn cum stains off of the bed spread!

I've known a few guys who even collect their Cum in condoms and stuff like that. What kind of kick they get out of this is BEYOND ME. Give it to me fresh, or not at all, smh... 

6. Repeat steps 1-5

Growing up, certain taboos were never discussed, especially not sexually things such as masturbation. When in reality, a large majority of the population, male and female, masturbate on a regular basis. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Hell, it’s your Dick, why can’t you do what you want with it? So long as you’re not hurting anyone or yourself (unless you’re into all that kinky shit like flogging, wtf?), then you have the right to the Pursuit of Happiness.

Masturbation is not for everyone: some prefer sex. And I do as well, masturbation has NOTHING on a good mouth sucking you up or eating you out. But hey, for all those nights in between your fabulous life of sex, MASTURBATION CAN, HAS, AND ALWAYS WILL GET YOU THROUGH THOSE LONELY NIGHTS. Disagree? Keep on living, you’ll see what I mean, smh. I’m 20 and I know that already.

So, looks like I’m going through dick-withdrawal ever since me and ole boy broke up. 

He may not have been shit, but damn, his dick… 

Eh, whatever, I’ll kick a few rocks to the pics in this post and call it a night…

*yawns* gnite yall!